The F Word: Embracing Feelings as a Tool for Growth
For much of my professional training, using the F word was highly discouraged. In therapy, counseling, and mental health services, the mere mention of it seemed to trigger discomfort. But the F word I’m referring to isn’t profanity—it’s feelings. The cliche of therapists in movies asking, "How does that make you feel?" has become an eye-roll moment for many.
The idea that therapy is all about discussing emotions is both a stereotype and a misunderstanding. Feelings are just one piece of the puzzle when addressing personal growth, mental health, and self-improvement. However, learning to understand and respond to our emotions is a crucial skill that can guide us toward healthier lives.
Understanding Emotions as Notifications
Imagine your smartphone buzzing with notifications: text messages, emails, social media updates, and reminders. Each notification is prompting you to take action. Your emotions function in much the same way. Every feeling you experience serves as an internal notification, signaling something that needs attention.
However, just like with your phone, you have control over how you respond. You can choose to open and address the notification, dismiss it, or even adjust how frequently you receive these prompts. The key to emotional intelligence is learning how to process these "notifications" in a way that serves you, rather than allowing them to overwhelm or control you.
How Different Emotions Function as Prompts
Each emotion has a purpose. Instead of labeling emotions as good or bad, we should see them as guides prompting us toward necessary action. Here are a few key emotions and how we can reframe them for growth.
1. Anger: A Call to Action
Anger often arises in response to injustice, frustration, or harm. It signals that something is wrong and compels us to act. However, just because we feel anger doesn’t mean we need to react in a destructive way.
For example, when faced with anger, we can choose to:
React impulsively by yelling or arguing.
Process the anger and address the issue with assertiveness and reason.
Anger is most useful when it motivates us to correct injustices or establish boundaries in a constructive manner. Instead of suppressing it, we should ask, "What is this anger telling me, and how can I use it productively?"
2. Stress: Your Body’s Support System
One of my favorite TED Talks, "How to Make Stress Your Friend" by psychologist Kelly McGonigal, explains how our beliefs about stress impact our physical and mental well-being. If we see stress as harmful, our bodies react negatively, leading to adverse health effects. However, if we view stress as a tool that helps us focus, engage, and solve problems, we can transform it into an asset.
By shifting our mindset, we can allow stress to enhance our performance rather than hinder it.
Additionally, stress can serve as a performance enhancer. Athletes, public speakers, and professionals often use stress to heighten focus and efficiency. Instead of fearing stress, we should practice stress management techniques such as mindfulness, breathing exercises, and reframing pressure as an opportunity for growth.
3. Jealousy: A Signal for Self-Improvement
Jealousy is often viewed as a toxic emotion, but when used correctly, it can be a powerful motivator. Consider a common scenario: a man sees his girlfriend talking to another guy and feels jealousy creeping in. He has two options:
React with insecurity, trying to control the situation.
Use the feeling as a signal to improve the relationship, showing more love, care, and attention.
When we see jealousy as a prompt for self-growth rather than to control others, it can become a force that strengthens rather than harms relationships.
Instead of allowing jealousy to create resentment, we can use it to reflect on what areas in our life or relationships need attention. This shift in perspective transforms jealousy from a destructive emotion into a catalyst for positive change.
4. Shame: A Guide Toward Change
Shame is often described as the feeling that I am something wrong, while guilt is I have done something wrong. Many experts argue that shame is toxic, but it also serves a social and internal function.
Shame often tells us to withdraw, isolate, or hide. However, like any other notification, we have a choice in how we respond. Instead of letting shame destroy us, we can allow it to be a cue that we need to change, seek help, or improve ourselves.
Imagine if, instead of internalizing shame as proof of being broken, we saw it as a reminder that we can be fixed, that mistakes can be corrected. When coupled with hope and action, shame becomes a guiding force toward self-improvement.
A healthy approach to shame is to ask: "What can I learn from this? What do I need to do to make things right?" Rather than shutting down, we should recognize that imperfection is part of the human experience and that growth comes from acknowledging our shortcomings and working toward betterment.
Practical Strategies for Managing Emotions
To truly harness the power of our emotions, we need strategies to manage them effectively. Here are a few:
Pause and Reflect: Before reacting, take a moment to assess what the emotion is telling you.
Journaling: Writing down your feelings can help you process them more clearly.
Seek Support: Talking to a trusted friend, mentor, or therapist can help you gain perspective.
Mindfulness and Meditation: Practicing mindfulness allows you to observe your emotions without being overwhelmed by them.
Reframing: Change the way you view emotions—see them as signals rather than obstacles.
Practice: Practice the way you would like to react to the different emotions.
Embracing Emotions for Personal Growth
The takeaway from all of this is simple: No emotion is inherently bad. Every emotion has a purpose, and when we learn to interpret them as helpful notifications rather than obstacles, we empower ourselves to grow and heal.
From a spiritual perspective, if we believe that our emotions are part of a greater design, we can begin to see them as gifts meant to guide us rather than hinder us. Rather than resisting our feelings, we should lean into them, learn from them, and use them to become better versions of ourselves.
Emotional intelligence is not about suppressing or eliminating emotions—it’s about understanding them and using them to navigate life with greater awareness, purpose, and resilience.
Conclusion
So, yes—I’m going to use the F word.
What do you feel?
What is it prompting you to do?
And most importantly, what will you choose to do?
By shifting our perception of emotions from burdens to tools, we unlock the ability to navigate life with greater clarity, resilience, and purpose. Embrace the F word—because your feelings are here to help you grow.
